THE OTHER CONANS: ARRRNOLD AND KULL

Hello all!

This is a tangent, and for now, a conclusion to the Ünintentional Übermensch series. I’d like to say that this is not even all of Robert E. Howard’s work. Conan the Barbarian is but a tenth of Howard’s work, though it is his largest collection of stories. The next largest collection of stories of a single character is about Solomon Kane, Puritan swordfighter of Tudor England, and his sidekick N’Longa, an African shaman/witch doctor. I tell you, those stories are a trip in and of themselves, especially since Kane was a violent, dangerous fighter with a suicidal sense of chivalry and justice. Lesser men will, and have, mishandled Kane’s character as a dangerous lunatic, a parody of crime-fighting heroes. As an author, it is hard to do extreme characters right or well, because it is too easy to turn them into a monomaniac but also to patronize them as ‘just’ helpless lunatics who can’t control themselves. You know, to just dismiss them as crazy people, when in reality they, like Kane, do have a logic behind them that is sharp and deadly. Extreme? Oh yes, and likely to end in their needless deaths.

…Where was I? Dangerous characters and lunatics? I’ll talk about them later. No, it was that for the most part, the entirety of Howard’s work was larger-than-life historical fiction*. In addition to Conan, he wrote stories for Bran Mak Morn, a fictional chief of the Picts in the time of the Roman Empire; Solomon Kane, of course; El Borak, aka Francis Xavier Gordon, Texas gunslinger who lives in Afghanistan and occasionally acts as a secret agent for the Victorian British Empire; and Steve Costigan, traveling sailor and prize fighter of the high seas. And there’s plenty more! Go to a wiki page and scroll downwards. As a fellow author, I wonder how he did it?

[*Again, not at all uncommon in the 1930s or earlier in the late 1800s; Batman and Superman comics did not come out till 1938/39!]

If there was any element of the supernatural in Howard’s stories, it was deliberately intrusive. It was used sparingly, and it either set up the plot or served as an obstacle, but it never drove the story forward. It was not like in fairy tales or true genre fantasies—in Howard’s tales, the supernatural was always hostile to humans, and rarely helpful to the main heroes. This was the norm in the Howard Canon except for one character, King Kull of Atlantis!

Now, Conan, the character, was supposed to live in the time period that existed before the real life Ice Age, which is why all those ancient civilizations disappeared from history. Well, before that disaster, before even the Hyborian Age, was the Age of Atlantis, so far back in the past that there were only THREE continents on the planet, not seven! The cataclysm that broke apart those continents into more continents is why there was no trace of that age in Conan’s time. Atlantis, cataclysm, Hyborian Age, cataclysm, and finally our real life history. Again, that reflects Howard’s views on the overall cyclic nature of history—he just made it literal.

In that far distant past, in the Age of Atlantis, magic floated on the air. Literally! Wizards were not dangerous allies to desperate kings, like with Conan, but a regular part of courtly life in the palaces of that age. Impossible creatures, older than the mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers, roamed the land, though mammoths and those tigers were alive back then, too. It is so far back in the past, that Howard compares Conan to a panther or lion, but when talking about Kull of Atlantis, Howard compares him to something even more feral—a Smilodon.

Like with Conan, though, when Kull came onto the stage, there were no lands left to conquer. Seven empires had formed on the three existing continents—Atlantis, Mu, and Thuria*, and when Kull became king of Valusia (one of the seven), all the empires were very old and stuck in their ways. The age is even more exaggerated as even simple objects can stay in place for over a hundred years before being touched—like when Kull grabbed a ceremonial battle-axe off a wall, where it rested for over a hundred years, so that he could kill assassins sent against him (The story, “By This Axe I Rule!”; said word-for-word by Kull). It’s a world gone sleepy and senile, because there are too few barbarians running around to cause trouble.

[*Again, an element of Howard’s theosophy, as Mu was once seen as a lost continent and Thuria was supposed to be a lost underground kingdom.]

Life in Kull’s time was like a magic dream, and unlike Conan, Kull was a dreamer*. He was a thinker, a philosopher, and was even interested in magic itself! Totally unlike Conan, who was afraid of magic. But Kull? He sought it out, though he himself did not use any magic. Like Conan, Kull was from a barbarian tribe, the last of the few remaining in that time. Unlike Conan, Kull was not that much of an adventurer, but rose up the ranks in Valusian society, from slave to gladiator to warrior to general, to king-killer and throne-taker in his thirties. (Don’t worry, the former King of Valusia was a cruel tyrant, so nobody lost sleep about it).

[*Kull was also stated by Howard to be an ancestor of Conan.]

But after Kull became king? He had to find ways to keep sane from the boredom! The only real excitement he had in his life was recorded in Howard’s stories of him. Within months, Kull discovered that a race of snake-men, who could magically disguise themselves, were controlling the government, so Kull purged them (“The Shadow Kingdom”). I made the story sound very boring, but it’s—it’s a high-fantasy thriller! It works! But afterwards, in Kull’s time, he faces no real enemies except courtly intrigues. These drive him bonkers, because he can’t directly kill the people plotting against him—that would be too barbaric for the King of his status, so Kull has to find other, clever methods to solve his problems (usually).

The intrigues, though, aren’t Kull’s only problems. As mentioned before, magic was a part of the air, and wizards were the norm in Kull’s time, though that didn’t make them less treacherous bastards. Two are of note, Tuzun Thune and THUSLA DOOM!!!!...Did anyone else hear dramatic music?

Thune’s role in Kull’s life (‘The Mirrors of Tuzun Thune’) was to try and cure Kull’s depression. Kull, having survived the throne, was now in his forties, and frankly didn’t know what to do with his life. At a courtier’s suggestion, Kull traveled to Thune’s palace, where Thune allowed Kull to stare into his magic mirrors. Kull was a thinker, and the questions of life were starting to plague him. He sought answers in Thune’s mirrors, pondering over deep questions like ‘what is reality?’ or ‘Am I, Kull, just an image in the mirror, and the mirror-me is the real me?’ Kull makes regular visits to Thune’s palace over the course of the story.

Of course the whole damn thing is a trap; Kull has to be rescued from Thune’s magic by his bodyguard, to the bewilderment of Kull. Thune was bribed to kill the king, which shocked Kull into asking why. Brule, his bodyguard, calmly pointed out that even powerful wizards like Thune are men, who can be bribed with greed and flattery.

Kull encountered Thulsa Doom in the story ‘Delcardes’s Cat’/ ‘The Cat and the Skull’; the story is a bizarre but fun fusion of wizardry and courtly intrigue, for it began with a young noble woman, Delcardes, wanting to marry outside the court to a foreign man. Kull could not care less if she did, but had to follow tradition, so he forbade it. The woman, who with her slave, an accomplished ventriloquist, tricked Kull into thinking she had a magic talking cat, which gave Kull prophecies on what was to come. This led to Kull going out on an (mis)adventure, where he accidently released Thulsa Doom from imprisonment from his tomb. Thulsa Doom, an undead wizard with a skull for face, declared the world was his to conquer, and then—kipped off after tricking Kull into doing something silly. The whole farce ended with Kull figuring out what the hell was happening, and then let the young woman marry the foreigner.

Kull, perhaps, was ahead of his time—and not because he was far in the past. In his publishing environment, where Howard sold stories to pulp magazines, Kull may have been both too high fantasy and too philosophical for the time. Fantasy then, unlike today, was not that deep a genre, until Tolkien took the world by storm. Even then, though, Kull’s overall concept is now not too far-fetched from what’s possible in fantasy today. (I’ll post my hypothesis for why in a later entry.)

Think about it! Kull’s situation is almost a comedy (except for the bouts of violence), where he’s an introspective barbarian man, in an advanced magical kingdom where you can hire wizards for birthday parties, and the kingdom is so old that it has daft, stuffy traditions that no one knows where or when it started. And Kull is having a mid-life crisis—an inward one, like normal men; the outward mid-life crisis is when he’s fighting for his life so that he can mope about where his life is going. Unfortunately, Kull just was not right for the action-hungry pulp audience, nor I think Howard—an ambitious young writer—had much interest in him, either. Case in point—the story ‘By This Axe I Rule!’ was later re-written into the first Conan story ‘The Phoenix on the Sword’. I suspect that, if Howard had not committed suicide at age thirty, he would have wandered back to Kull when he had gotten older.

So where did Thulsa Doom go? Eh, probably onto the set of the 1982 film Conan the Barbarian—starring Arrrnold Schwarzeneggar in his first film role! And James Earl Jones is the lead villain. (You know? Mufasa, OG Darth Vader, and Terence Mann from Field of Dreams?)

Yes, both the making of the film, and the story itself, are amazing tales themselves. You can look up the events of making the film elsewhere, but (as one website said) you can call it ‘America’s Funniest Home Moments That Go Wrong’.

As a sample list:

1) Arrrnold really did fall down and hurt himself in the scene where he enters an underground burrow; he was supposed to slide down but tripped instead.

2) Arrrnold really did punch and concuss a camel in the film.

3) A real, sharpened sword (or two?) was used in a fight scene, where Arrrnold and friends snuck into Thulsa Doom’s lair. The real sword chopped off two of an extra’s fingers and they had to be surgically reattached.

4) Arrrnold, from Austria, still didn’t speak English well when filming, which is why he has so few lines in the film (BUT, his non-verbal acting shone through in the film, which is probably what launched his later film career in the States).

But what of the story? Well, yeah, it is to some degree a much-sanitized version of Howard’s Conan. I’m not yet aware of why some of the changes were made, but probably because there were times when the original Conan stories were senselessly cruel; and, being a movie, the producers knew they had a much wider audience than the nerdy weirdoes who read the pulps. Yet the story itself stands tall on its own, as I’ll show. (Note: Just ignore the 1984 sequel Conan the Destroyer unless you really like silly things.)

In the 1982 film, the premise is that Conan’s family is slaughtered by the minions of Thulsa Doom, a warlord, sorcerer, and cult-leader; though a barbarian clan, they know ‘the secret of steel’, and can make steel weapons instead of iron ones. A young Conan watches as Thulsa Doom decapitates his mother, in front of him, with a sword made by Conan’s father. The thrust of the movie is revenge; the theme of the story is Freedom.

The land of the film is shot under an entirely clear sky and prairie. There are a few underground scenes, but there is only one forest (Conan’s village). The rest of the scenes are the great open sky or the cities. The sky is a constant in the film, beautifully blue in most scenes, even when great violence occurs onscreen. The blue heavens watch as man struggles, and the lairs of evil are places that have entirely cut off the sky, or seek to claim it.

The basic plot: Conan, as a boy, is taken as a slave with other children, and lashed to the Wheel of Pain.

…Nobody knows what the hell the Wheel of Pain* is for—is it a mill? A torture device? Is there a mechanism under the ground for it? Conan and the slave are forced to push the spokes of the wheel, around and around; all but Conan die of exhaustion, for he survives until his 20th birthday.

[*Though, maybe the torture is the point—the senseless torture and pain inflicted on others, for the love of cruelty?]

From there, Conan, as the last slave alive (and now a jacked Arrrnold), is sold as a gladiator, where he fights exotic, freakish enemies and is taught weapons training. He has not become cruel, though, and is kind to his master and a fellow slave-girl. One day, after much success, Arrrnold’s master frees him, though as a former slave Arrrnold is still chased after by dogs.

Surviving, Arrrnold then encounters, has sex with, and kills a witch, and frees her prisoner, Subotai ‘thief, and archer!’, and then in turn they meet up with Valeria, and steal treasure from a temple that belongs to Thulsa Doom. Together, the three are hired by King Osric, an old man who realizes that what he loves the most is his only daughter, Yasimina, who was seduced by the promises of Doom’s cult. He hires the three to rescue her (and Arrrnold wants to take revenge on Doom).

Subotai and Valeria refuse—they know it is suicide—but Arrrnold goes, is caught, and crucified (literally), before being rescued by his friends. They bring him to a wizard, who heals him, and then the trio infiltrate Doom’s lair to kill his followers and steal back Osric’s daughter. Valeria dies in the attempt, but promises Arrrnold Conan that her love is stronger than death. Thereafter, Subotai, Arrrnold, and the wizard defend Osric’s daughter and kill more of Doom’s minions—and Valeria’s spirit helps Arrrnold as well.

Later, Arrrnold sneaks back into Doom’s temple, and there kills his foe and sets his temple on fire, before leaving for other adventures.

…Dear Lord, I have not done justice to this film. Well, it’s a film, you have to see it in person! The visual language of the film is breathtaking, as noted (just run with the campy costumes and goofy zebra camouflage), but it is the non-verbal acting that truly tells the story. It is a sad fact that body language is a lost skill among actors these days, and it is a laudable skill to tell a story, though only with pictures, and see the story without words. You can watch this film muted and understand everything that is going on—though then you’ll miss out on famous lines* and jaw-dropping music! …Almost like with Tolkien, the music was made before the film was made. Composed by Basil Poledouris, he wrote all the music first, and modified it as filming went on. He was friends with the director, John Milius, who said that he imagined the film as ‘an opera with little or no dialogue’. It sounds like it.

[*Arrrnold’s first line in the film, and in his acting career, are ‘To crush your enemies, to see them flee before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!’]

Why is the film about Freedom, then? Arrrnold and friends do a lot of killing of bad guys, how is it about freedom? It is freedom at all levels, from the highest to the lowest. It’s more of a pagan freedom, but one that is understandable. The director, John Milius, said that there was nothing that deliberately pointed to Christianity in the film, as he focused on pagan themes. It also would not make sense, either, because the story is set far back in even pre-pagan times. Thus, it is about the best form of Pagan Freedom—The Freedom from Evil.

Slavery and cruelty are rampant in the film, yes, but under it all is the corruption of evil in the world, as exemplified by Thulsa Doom. Like with the books, the Conan film has gods that are nonexistent or at least completely un-interested in their mortal followers—the latter more likely, as Thulsa Doom worships a serpent god that gives him powers, and magic revives Arrrnold from near-death. Osric, the King of Zamora, laments that Doom’s Serpent cult is springing up in other kingdoms as well as his own; Osric’s reign, as king, has not necessarily left him bitter, but rather like a wise king, he understands what is important and what’s not in this life. His only daughter is his only happiness (and heir!), so her being seduced by the cult will bring corruption of the land after Osric’s death.

Conan/ Arrrnold was a slave in the film; Subotai was a prisoner to a witch, who likely had an evil fate in store for him. Thulsa Doom kept his followers in check with promises of salvation, but the infiltration of his lair and inner circle shows that he only offers perverse sexual orgies and cannibalism as his rewards*. There were slaves and gladiators—blood slaves—regardless of Thulsa Doom and Osric. Valeria, though a tall and strong woman, worked as a thief to get by in the world, to steal from men’s treasure vaults. Enslavement by greed. Osric, in his age, realized money was no real issue, and offered to pay the hero-trio in chalices tall beer mugs filled to the brim with precious gemstones. Evil spirits can harm the world, and thanks to Thulsa Doom, monsters are now a regular occurrence instead of being dangers in the wilderness.

[*A telling scene is where Arrrnold pretends to be a shy initiate in Doom’s cult, and an older male cult member leads Arrrnold away to take sexual advantage of him. Arrrnold KO’s him and steals his uniform.]

Perhaps, even, you can say that Arrrnold Conan was seeking freedom from revenge; a freedom from the cruelty that made him. That was how Doom tried to seduce Arrrnold to the dark side, by claiming, in a perverse and twisted way, that Doom was the father and author of Conan’s existence. (Then Arrrnold cut off Doom’s head.) But it was true—Conan/Arrrnold was, in a way, a slave to his tragic past, and he wanted freedom and closure from it. You can even say that Arrrnold/Conan wanted—Freedom from DOOOMM!!!!

But all of this is desirable—to be freed from slavery, in all its forms; to be free from violence, and pain, and greed and the vices; the freedom to choose that which is good. The last obstacle to this is, as I’ve heard it elsewhere, the Twilight of the Idols. It is a dangerous topic, because different people think different things are idols—that is, false gods, or things that aren’t proper gods and worshipped as such. Good people and bad people have both claimed to destroy idols, only to prop up a different one. (And this includes atheism’s gods, Science and Logic.) Yet, for man to be free to walk the earth, under the open blue sky of the heavens, the Idols must die. The idols, the monsters, and the evil gods. Do not forget—Doom’s evil Serpent god was real! When men can walk free of darkness, then they have nothing to fear from gods and monsters, but can walk among them, as a man.

The Freedom from Evil, to have the Freedom to Do Good.

…

More to follow!